Ah yes, the flux that is me.
Good gracious at times its a bit overwhelming…but honestly, it just makes me laugh.
and then I just feel a little bit crazy…
This is something like what my mind captivates day to day:
“Okay lets get up. When am I going to work out today? No wait, but then when am I going to dance? I don’t want to be too tired for that. *stares at unfinished artworks* Who knows when I will be able to get back to that side of myself. But hey, playing with the 2880 (new looper I just got) was really fun last night. Wonder the next time Ill get to play with that again too…Interesting thought of actually performing during SXSW…wonder what the crowd will think. Those other MCs will melt your face off! I wish I could just sit and write right now…or draw…or not have to rush to be ANYWHERE…Oh yes food, must eat…something that will sustain me long enough till dance class, but then maybe I should wait to eat so I don’t get hungry too early.Ill just pack this shake stuff and get dressed and eat something before i leave and have this for later. * pack back pack, off to school, walking to bus and to classes with headphones on* These people probably think I look weird dancing to this song right now, haha, give them something to talk about later I guess. This is a really dope beat…*still walking to class, beginning to make rhymes in my head* Damn, never fails that I can always think of words worth writing without paper in my hands, and I just want to keep on dancing around these steps and this pole right here, these rails too. You know you don’t get that in a studio setting. THIS IS REAL. Those moments you’d have to be lucky to catch. Okay where in class now *focusing* Man, that would be cool idea to illustrate. I really want to start illustrating more anatomical images, emphasizing movement and where limbs and joints attach. Maybe I could do one dance related. Gosh so many ideas about things to illustrate. Just that one sleepless adolescent idea…all foggy minded. So much time thinking about thinking about the things I want to do…this is a really, really bad pattern. I wish I could just wake up every morning and create what I want to, when I want to. I know thats not how life is…I know I could manipulate the hear and now…and thats kinda fun…but doesn’t exactly satisfy this other gap I feel the need to fill. Feel the need to fill. Thats fun to say. Fun facts and fanciful folks. Alliteration is awesome. Those lasts readings for my Lit class were pretty sweet. Semantics has been something I had been wanting to read about more. So interesting how our culture uses so many idioms. I honestly don’t hear many too often, but then again I am probably just used to hearing them…Oh yes, were talking about this guys diet. Yeah he should probably try bringing his food with him to work so that he has more options and doesn’t have to eat all of the free stuff that is around. Portion control should probably also be mentioned since he states he’s pig out/gaming sessions with his friends revolve around chips and beer and what not. Changes are not made over night and he could probably try and eat smaller amounts and maybe incorporate other healthier options. Gosh I like nuts way too much. NO, not those nuts, you dork. Jenn, sit up straight! *corrects posture* Okay class is over…must remember to study for this exam thats next week already…Yeah I need to read for my other class that I have in the morning and turn in that entry by 8 tonight…”
thoughts in between classes are usually something like this…
“oh yeah, I need to get business cards made, and try and see about getting some art up at a coffee shop of some sort…but for what?…Itll just put more on my plate right now..I don’t like having to rush around to do things…when the time is right, the time will come and I will know that I have that time to focus on it. What I neeeed to do is figure out a design for the HP club tshirt….not sure exactly what it should entail. I also got those photos to finish uploading and organizing….I can’t believe flickr reloaded on me before I had time to save what I had already done the other day…And theres also the design that Steph asked for…wonder if she still wants that…she probably thinks I forgot…I know I could do it if I just sat down and figured it out real quick…throw some ideas around. It would be dope to visit NY again, would be really awesome to be up there as an artist, having to get some huge work done….in my dreams dreams dreams. *pfff k bb b k tttttt k ttttt k b k, bbb k* Thats a good exercise you know…practice beatbox while you walk, really makes you have to learn to breath… Man I really want to play with my camera more. Yeah, who knows when that will happen to. Great ideas though, to just walk around with it, but then my card will get full and then I will have to worry about when I will get to sort through them all….damn…but its a beautiful day…”
on really just the tip of the ice burg. Just small fragments of how fast our minds work. Everyones thoughts aimed at something different and possibly around the same things at the same time or maybe parallel to each others at different times of the day. I don’t know why its such a big deal to me, but I find myself wanting to just document EVERYTHING. Lots of little things fascinate me, but like I said, it can get overwhelming. Im working on letting those little fascinations be and be gone…even though I really don’t want them to be. These scatterbrained and cut up segments of my mind have lead me to become such an indecisive person. And most of all I wonder how much different it would be if I could just cut away from the school structure and focus on all these little things that I wish I could. I know for sure that I would be able to focus on school even more, once again.
I seem to work in intervals, just like my workouts. I actually wrote about this morning:
Homework in bouts
just like my workouts, no doubts
about whats got to be done
you work hard, you play hard, you won!
In which ever which way you choose, takin a step back and sipping some booze.
Standing in a line, just to get a ticket to the show. Its your favorite artist, you know you got to go!
Maybe you’d rather take it easy, and cast out those jokes you got, so cheesy.
Or dancing your heart out, a celebration amongst a workout.
You can blurt out, all your minds eye to the sky or by stepping on that stage. Welcome these people to that oh too often hidden game face.
Its the only way to do it. Literally been the focus of many a mans curious study,
about whats most efficient, and most likely to keep you floating.
Your boats really not that heavy, its your mind that carrys all that weight.
Instead of gasping for air, oh no your not sinking.
Its in the process of progressing in intervals.
Just keep gradually receiving what your gradually achieving.
I know I don’t have to put so much on my plate, which is why I am pushing a lot of things to the side. I could have breaks where I stop and work on artwork, but I just come to find that I can’t really get into it as easily as Id like to…I can’t help but just think about how I could be getting ahead with school. Once again among those patterns so greatly engraved in my mind state.
and look at me now….here. ha..hahahaha….whatever.
Wheres your mind at? I know there are some simple brains out there that know how to sort and get through it all without much worrying. But yes, I know we all worry form time to time. Im curious to know your thoughts on this process. 🙂
Ive said it once, and Ill say it again…
“Don’t mind my mind.”
and in the end, you just got to do what you really want to.